The love you find within yourself will be yours forever. However, I know that the journey back home to yourself, the journey towards being comfortable, and at peace, on your own, and learning how to hold your own heart, and hold your own space, in a way that doesn’t scare you, but rather, in a…On Learning How To Be Alone, Because The Love You Find Within Yourself Will Be Yours Forever
Sitting right here in this spot can be soooo frustrating. Just sitting here and watching the beautiful things of life pass me by. I look around my little cold, dark brown shell of a home and wonder how I got stuck here in the first place.
Oh God why?? Why did you have to put me here?? Why not there?…I cry out in sheer frustration..
Sorry for being so emotional.
Let me introduce myself formally.
I am one who is disliked by everyone who knows me…nah…sees me. I really doubt if anyone knows me. I have no beauty inside nor do I have anything that attracts anyone to me. I never get what I want and can only hope things would get better. From the look of things, they never will.
I turn to God in search of answers as I have no one to ask my questions…and eventually end up in the midst of my tears with the little relief I derive from pouring out the contents of my soul…well, until it fills up again.
Time seems to crawl by. Not like I move any faster anyway.
Seconds seem like hours. Hours, hmmm…feel like years.
Weeks feel like…
Looking at all the beauty and success stories around me bring me down, as much as I rejoice with them. Truly, I do rejoice in me. It’s just that I look up and see the rain clouds of self pity that hang visibly over me every second I breathe.
I look longingly at a butterfly flutter by.
She’s sooo pretty. And graceful too!
If I could be half as beautiful…
No I can’t.
God, if only I could fly.
Fl…?? I chuckle silently. Pigs would definitely do that first.
And there I feel it all coming up again. Bursting into tears, I roll up into my ball of comfort and sob myself to sleep… as always.
I could have sworn two planets had collided right over my head… I turn around and peeping through the cracks in my wall, expecting to see what Pluto looked like, I see the last pieces of the pretty butterfly I envied so much being gobbled up by a strange creature.
“God!!! This is so not fair!!”, I mumbled as I shook where I lay. Everything seemed so right and perfect with her.
And quietly, I thanked God that I was all curled up when it happened. That could have been me.
More time passes..
Forever seems to pass too..
I got to learn pretty fast that I since I can’t explain how I got here in the first place, I probably can’t explain what the future holds…and day by day, I learn to console myself with these words.
I look on as brightly coloured butterflies fly by each day, and somehow today forgetting my own words of consolation, I cried so hard I shook and fell.
This is my end I said to myself as I fell through the leaves and branches…what more could happen to me than this??
And as I heaved a sigh I assumed to be my last, I felt myself explode into a bundle of colours.
What is happening to…Goodness gracious!!!
I CAN FLY!!
GNT Matthew 6:30 ” It is God who clothes the wild grass – grass that is here today and gone tomorrow, burned up in the oven. Won’t he be all the more sure to clothe you? What little faith you have!!!”
I have been there, and I know I would have to read this out to myself someday. But to you, head hung low in depression thinking you would never achieve your dreams, thinking the worst that could happen has happened, and you’re tossed through the storms of life, take a look around at the very things around you…and I hope you would see hope in every storm, and strength in every trial.
I have lost friends and people that had way more than I have now. I have life.
This is dedicated to God, for keeping me through till now, and to everybody who would read it.
I look closely at a yellow dotted leaf as I flutter past a tree with Nadia by my side, and silently pray for patience and understanding from God for our little ones as they go through that stage in life…
And yeah…that they get to have
her my pretty colours too!!!
I’m doing this for me. Yep, for me.
To prove a point to all those who sat on their flat behinds and watched me crawl through the dirt of emotions and laughed at my shaky legs as I tried to rise to my feet again. To those who spoke negatively and wished I had remained on my fours…but hey, on second thoughts, THANKS!!! You have all taught me how to pick myself up…how to fight and be brave…how to hold my head high through negativity… how to wipe my tears on my shirt, bind my own wounds and proudly wear both around with a smile on my face. I thought you were hurting and uncaring, but you’ve turned out to be my greatest source of motivation! I thank you now…because it’s the only time I would get to thank you.
Also I do this for my mother. In payment for all the sacrifices she’s made for me to do this. Vivid memories of how in my lowest of moods I still found joy to mount that stage just to let her know how thankful I was to have her and how to me, she was the only person in that hall. I owe you more.
I’d stop here.
A new life starts now, and as I set my goals and targets, I pray that God would keep us all safe under His wings as he takes us through yet another chapter in our book of testimonies. Greater things lie ahead of us…
God IS with us.
So hey, I’m back on my feet and getting ready for my second flight. I have a better view of the terrain and obstacles along the way. I have learnt to keep in contact with God, who’s the Air Traffic Controller of my life, my broken bones have healed now and I hear them snap as they fall in place with the stretching of my wings. The sky’s bright and clear and I just can’t wait to test these new wings of mine. The resting period I spent nesting and nursing is over…
So my dearies…if you find yourself in a cocoon and you feel like there’s nothing more to it than the dark brown dusty shell you’re in at the moment, trust me you’re in for a shocker! Keep doing what you do best, keep doing it…DON’T STOP!!! Don’t be discouraged that you’re standing still compared to the speeds you were hitting when you were a caterpillar…
Trust me, it’s just a season..
I promise you, you would be surprised at how high and fast you’d fly!
Bomboy© Copyright 2014
Storms of life…
13 October 2013
Ok. So I got woken up at 3:00am on Sunday morning by a friend. A friend who was in need of help. Honestly, if not for the pee that woke me up a few minutes earlier, I might not have picked the call just so I could complete my 8 hours weekend sleep. And yes, I slept in the afternoon too.
Woke up to a call of someone who was at a point I could only imagine. At a traffic light with all the lights blinking at the same time.
Through the tears that rocked through her voice, she explained she had done all possible things every Christian should have done, and honestly, I could to an extent, agree with her.
We take too many things for granted…God have mercy on us.
People hurt deep inside.
Through the smiles and cheer on Sundays, lies a cloudy, turbulent storm in hearts.
As Christians, are we building ourselves in unity or we’ve joined the mad rush for drama and attention in the church? What are our priorities? I could only pray for the Holy Spirit to minister to her at that point of need…a point only visible between herself and God.
In the midst of storms, what do we do?
Where do we go when we have no place to go?
Who do we talk to in the silence of our hearts?
Who do we lean on when the pillars of our lives rock with our sobs and the weight of our burdens?
Searching through the Bible, I stumbled upon a passage that answered every question.
Rom 8:38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Rom 8:39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
God owns the maps of our lives. We never know where we are going without a map of some sort. He alone can console us in times of depression and sorrow.
He sees where we are coming from…
He knows where we are going to..
He sees what’s going on with us now.
Let’s take off the masks of religion from our faces…the dance steps, the luxury, the attention, the “holy attitudes”, and minister to lives of people God puts in our paths.
If it’s the only thing we can do as Christians, let’s do it and do it well.
I never got the chance to complete the sleep anyway because I felt there were moooore people in the world that couldn’t sleep because of different reasons, and I was simply selfish in my gluttony for sleep.
Personally that night, I learnt to love all the people in my life…and I learnt to trust God for my own life.
Let’s make a change in our darkening world. Trust me, it might not get any brighter than it is now.
I’m not perfect, but I’m trusting God every day for His guidance and mercy.
Remember, smiles do not reflect happiness and fullness of joy…look deeper into those eyes again and let God speak to you.
NB: A friend also pulled me out of a situation similar to that just two days ago. A friend I had met only once in my life. He made me realize there were more people in this world that needed more from us though we didn’t have enough ourselves. And between both of us, I’d say he gave me the strength to encourage another soul tonight.
Bomboy © Copyright 2013
You feel the desire grow steadily in you…knowing you want it so bad. For a split second you feel like you must get it at all costs, without which you wouldn’t be sane. All the negative effects and consequences are brushed away consciously as you do not want anything to hinder the sensation you feel. Your body begins to respond in ways that are new to you, and sometimes uncontrollable. Then all of a sudden, you reach that point where everything around you and everything you see begins to someway, somehow relate to the strong desire already welled up in you. Every effort to withdraw yourself from quickly gives way to the increase in your heartbeat. You know you said you weren’t going to fall for it again, but here you are ready to damn the consequences and just get it over and done with. At this stage, there is an ongoing war in your head. You know exactly who stands where through the audible interactions of both parties in your head. There’s a gentle voice reminding you of all the promises you made, or probably the repercussions of that unholy action. Yes, unholy because your mind is divided in making a simple decision in saying no to a strong desire. This desire could come in many forms, and of course differ among people. It is a highly classified and protected document containing the schematic of each individual. It attacks individuals at their lowest levels of awareness, and definitely at their weakest points. It is amazing to know exactly how the flesh responds to certain desires and the measures it would take to ensure it gets what it wants, regardless of the circumstances around the individual in question. It leads one to make rash and unreasonable and regrettable decisions. The battle that goes on in the mind is equally fierce, and cannot be fought off easily without the help of God. Even in the presence of God and spirituality an addiction poses a stubborn rival. First and foremost is what an addiction is…being uncontrollably dependent on something – anything at all. It has basic symptoms such as loss of control of want over that particular thing, slowly building over time, with an increasing quantity or frequency of use of it, until it becomes authoritative, demanding when it should be used or performed. It could be as serious as drug addiction to as seemingly minute as television addiction. Secondly, it brings no positive value or addition to one’s present state of well-being. It is designed to drain you morally, spiritually, financially, and in any other ways possible, thereby making it an indispensable tool in the hands of the devil, as he uses it to reduce the potency of Christians before moving in for the final kill. The feeling of guilt, remorse and temporary immediate feeling of repentance are its common departing attributes. It is often said that one can never understand the true power of being addicted until one is actually addicted, which I personally endorse as being true. It really is never as simple as just looking away, and sometimes, after enjoying or devouring the object of addiction in question, one may openly regret and wish one hadn’t ventured into it at all. The same monotonous cycle of the addictive act can go on repeatedly, leaving the user confused at why he fell for the same bait twice or more over and dejected at the thought of being exactly where he was emotionally as at the last time he fell for the same bait. At this stage, it gives room for the next deteriorating element, low self-esteem or depression. This process keeps on reproducing like a malignant cell of destruction with a nucleus of sin and filth, giving rise to other unpleasant traits and behaviours, leaving us poorer than the proverbial prodigal son, and with the aid of guilt and pride, eventually lead to death.
Psalm 51, The Holy Bible.
Bomboy © Copyright 2012