Sitting right here in this spot can be soooo frustrating. Just sitting here and watching the beautiful things of life pass me by. I look around my little cold, dark brown shell of a home and wonder how I got stuck here in the first place.
Oh God why?? Why did you have to put me here?? Why not there?…I cry out in sheer frustration..
Sorry for being so emotional.
Let me introduce myself formally.
I am one who is disliked by everyone who knows me…nah…sees me. I really doubt if anyone knows me. I have no beauty inside nor do I have anything that attracts anyone to me. I never get what I want and can only hope things would get better. From the look of things, they never will.
I turn to God in search of answers as I have no one to ask my questions…and eventually end up in the midst of my tears with the little relief I derive from pouring out the contents of my soul…well, until it fills up again.
Time seems to crawl by. Not like I move any faster anyway.
Seconds seem like hours. Hours, hmmm…feel like years.
Weeks feel like…
Looking at all the beauty and success stories around me bring me down, as much as I rejoice with them. Truly, I do rejoice in me. It’s just that I look up and see the rain clouds of self pity that hang visibly over me every second I breathe.
I look longingly at a butterfly flutter by.
She’s sooo pretty. And graceful too!
If I could be half as beautiful…
No I can’t.
God, if only I could fly.
Fl…?? I chuckle silently. Pigs would definitely do that first.
And there I feel it all coming up again. Bursting into tears, I roll up into my ball of comfort and sob myself to sleep… as always.
I could have sworn two planets had collided right over my head… I turn around and peeping through the cracks in my wall, expecting to see what Pluto looked like, I see the last pieces of the pretty butterfly I envied so much being gobbled up by a strange creature.
“God!!! This is so not fair!!”, I mumbled as I shook where I lay. Everything seemed so right and perfect with her.
And quietly, I thanked God that I was all curled up when it happened. That could have been me.
More time passes..
Forever seems to pass too..
I got to learn pretty fast that I since I can’t explain how I got here in the first place, I probably can’t explain what the future holds…and day by day, I learn to console myself with these words.
I look on as brightly coloured butterflies fly by each day, and somehow today forgetting my own words of consolation, I cried so hard I shook and fell.
This is my end I said to myself as I fell through the leaves and branches…what more could happen to me than this??
And as I heaved a sigh I assumed to be my last, I felt myself explode into a bundle of colours.
What is happening to…Goodness gracious!!!
I CAN FLY!!
GNT Matthew 6:30 ” It is God who clothes the wild grass – grass that is here today and gone tomorrow, burned up in the oven. Won’t he be all the more sure to clothe you? What little faith you have!!!”
I have been there, and I know I would have to read this out to myself someday. But to you, head hung low in depression thinking you would never achieve your dreams, thinking the worst that could happen has happened, and you’re tossed through the storms of life, take a look around at the very things around you…and I hope you would see hope in every storm, and strength in every trial.
I have lost friends and people that had way more than I have now. I have life.
This is dedicated to God, for keeping me through till now, and to everybody who would read it.
I look closely at a yellow dotted leaf as I flutter past a tree with Nadia by my side, and silently pray for patience and understanding from God for our little ones as they go through that stage in life…
And yeah…that they get to have
her my pretty colours too!!!